Single… the prospect of getting back into the swing of things after nearly 3 years alone…
It brings on FEAR. Terrifying fear… I’ve had 4 chances… YES you read that right… 4 prospects and I pushed every damn one of them away… Why? Fear.. brought on by Ex’s who tell me that EVERY single split was my fault… that I expected too much of them.
That being a dad was too much.
That I needed to get a job outside of the house without ANY support, but NEVER associate with ANY male because they were scared I’d cheat on them (Which I’ve never done in my life)
That my methods of parenting were too lax
That I wasn’t “mature enough”
That I was too “fat”
and several other excuses I’ve heard over the years…
Maybe I am too fat, lax, immature, or too “motherly” and maybe I attract unneeded attention from the male population for what ever reason… I suppose I am safer in this bubble I built… only thing is; it’s not a bubble so much as it’s a 1000 foot wall.
My biggest fear is that getting close to someone again will only lead to more heartbreak, more rejection and proof that I’m unable to be loved by anyone because they can’t handle who I am as a person. I HONESTLY can not do that again. I KNOW there’s a few fellas who’ve asked me out and I’ve told them all “NO” … friends sure, anything more is out of the question because I’d destroy them… I KNOW I would.
I shouldn’t need to validate who I am to anyone else. I refuse to… but I HATE this fear of the unknown. I can’t take risks anymore, I trust NO ONE now… and why… Because the Ex’s of my past have destroyed my self esteem, and strangely enough I actually have pretty good self esteem; for the most part. I don’t want to be the reason AGAIN for another break up because I know it would happen because I’m “Too bossy” too set in my ways.
I don’t listen as much as I nag so I’ve been told over and over again…
I’m whining… :S shit.
I love the song by P!nk… She gives me hope…
♫ Just give me a reason ♪ Just a little bit’s enough♪
♪Just a second we’re not broken just bent ♫ And we can learn to love again
It’s in the stars ♫ It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
We’re not broken just bent ♪ And we can learn to love again ♫
Maybe one day there will be someone I can trust… for now… I’ve got things on lock down
and there isn’t anyone getting in or busting this wall down… I won’t allow it. I know it sounds stupid and others will go.. “Oh there; there… chin up there’s someone out there for you…” Ya know what… I don’t care anymore… because I’ll just fuck it up anyway…
Cause I’ll just hurt them before they can hurt me… because hurt people; hurt people.
and we all know…