I never noticed till now that the picture of Camaya and I; along with her dad was missing from the wall in her room…. 😦
I wished I’d seen it gone sooner, I’d have asked where it went. Instead I found it under her bed… sadly it was torn to bits, but only her dad was the only person ripped out of that once upon a time moment when we were all happy. A surreal moment come to think of it, because back then he loved us as much as I loved him.
Sadly, I look back and think I should have probably not pointed him out, but back in May we saw her father driving through Tim Hortons. I told her with cheer and NO contempt to her father, “There’s daddy!” and asked her to wave… She’d only asked about him the night before for the 100th time. (and for the 100th time I lied to protect her)… Sadly that day he proved to her I was liar… He ignored her, didn’t speak and drove away.
That callous moment by him took away her joy for most of the day… it broke my heart. She’s a bright child. She knew I was fibbing when I told her “Maybe he didn’t hear you.” She pointed out that his window was opened.
SIGH…Today I find this. My heart aches for her yet again. She’s so young and so small yet has these emotions bottled up and lashes out the only way she knows how… On a picture I hung by her bed so she understood that even though her dad and I didn’t see eye to eye I still loved her so very much. Enough to KEEP her dad in the picture… it’s too bad he cut out.
My poor princess. I cry knowing how heart broken she must have been to do this… She couldn’t have been more than 3 when she did it (She just recently turned 4) I noticed she doesn’t ask about him anymore either.
How do you fix a child’s world where she knows that her mamma lied to her about a man this child is pretty certain doesn’t care, especially when one is so young but seems to understand more than she should?
(I HONESTLY like to believe that he probably does care; he just hates me too much to show her, and doesn’t get that he’s abusing her emotionally when he tries to hurt me, and THAT hurts the most… because I can’t stop him from doing that to her!)
How do you protect a child from someone who proves with his actions towards her (or there lack of) that he doesn’t seem to give two shits about her if only because he hates me so much? She’s half of us both! There’s nothing wrong with her because she’s half him… there shouldn’t be anything wrong with her because she’s half me too!
I know I could ask her if she wants another picture, but I don’t want to upset her even more. I could just replace it and wait and see what happens. (again I don’t want to upset her) I could ask her if she wants to talk about her dad… but she’s not brought him up in a long time and seeing this… makes me think it’s best to leave well enough alone.
Added: 6:14 pm July 28th 2015.
I told her I found the picture under her bed when I was cleaning. She put her head down like she was going to get into trouble… I had to tell her I wasn’t mad (I wasn’t I just felt so hurt that she had to go through all of this) and I wanted to know why she broke daddy out of her picture and her response plain as day was “I was pissed off.” I tried my best not to smile, or laugh because well… innocent kids who cuss while angry; I ain’t gonna lie it’s funny as hell! (I think I did OK in not busting a gut) I asked her about why; She said. “He knows I here. He don’t like me like he does the other girl” she put her head down again, she looked SO lost and defeated… I felt so damn bad, but I asked if she meant her sister Faith and she nodded, and then she continued with “He not very fucking nice!” And stomped her foot, crossed her arms and sat under her bunk bed. I very calmly (again trying my damndest to not laugh..sorry but she had every right to be angry… but she looks so cute when she’s ticked off) told her I understood she was angry and felt heart hurt but she shouldn’t use those words. (YES, I parented her, and corrected the language) I ask her if she’d want a new picture or not, I told her she didn’t have to if she didn’t want to (I wasn’t going to force it) and she agreed that she did. I also told her instead of breaking something when she’s mad to come talk to me so we could fix it as best as we can. I think she understood this pretty well….
Now the big thing is I pray that I did the right thing.
Drew… I sure the hell hope you’re proud of yourself!