A father’s day note…

Well  tomorrow marks another year where I get to be “Daddy” to my kids.  The same life they lead in a  single parent home is the same I had growing up too.  A child, who’s male protector, guide and soul example on what a true gentleman is suppose to be… One that never existed at least not for me. (not even within my mom) So I try my best to do my best for my kiddos so they know that even though we don’t have a dad here yet, I’m willing to do the wonderful job two parents usually do. Why, because I love them! ❤

Sadly as a child, my father was a monster. One I was quite scared of.  One who taught me that there is no such thing as “gentle”. He had a harsh way of discipline, and it was brutal.
This monster was one who got father’s day cards I was forced to make in school, but he truly never earned a single one.  I can honestly say I loathe this man and that I’m broken inside, scared because of him. I still cringe in shame, fear and self hate on how he treated my mom, my siblings and I.

BUT… I don’t hide within those scars.  Nope.

As much as I hate the concept that I have a father I understand that this man isn’t my “REAL” DAD.
My dad, Papa is the foster parent who raised me.  William Smith.  A tall, large, quiet man who had more patients than any man I know. A god given talent to make you fear him but not because you knew you’d be hurt but because you knew just how damn disappointed he was going to be in what you’d done. A man who listened more than he spoke. (He always said our mother did enough speaking for the both of them LOL) A man who taught me it WAS possible to trust again… My foster dad Willie is the reason why I learned to even trust guys at all. Without him being there as I grew up (as a young teen stuck in the foster system) I think I’d have self destructed long ago.  He taught me skills I still carry to me this very day.  He gave me wise words to follow. He showed me compassion when I screwed up and he did the job that even my own biological parents just couldn’t do, and even though I’m a single parent myself and we continue with our lives without a father in my own children’s lives that someday there will be someone willing to do what my foster dad did for me.

To my Papa Willie… I love you! Happy Father’s day and  thanks for ALL that you did for me, even if you never said much! Your actions, patients and compassion meant more to me than you will ever know.  I miss you lots. ❤

To the man of the future who takes on the wonderful job of teaching my kids that there is someone out there who will love them like a dad should, teach them how to value their partner, and how to be a good example.  Happy father’s day to you too. It’s not an easy job but at least someone was up to it!


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UPDATE to: Don’t be another dead beat.

Link to original story here : https://jaidemoon.wordpress.com/2015/01/25/dont-be-another-dead-beat-she-wants-to-know-you/

She's gotten so big! She's beautiful and so smart!

She’s gotten so big! She’s beautiful and so smart!

So I gave him till the end of February, Hell I waited all of March and almost 2 weeks into April as well.


We heard NOTHING.


My action of recourse is in motion and soon she will no longer be burdened with the last name of the man who didn’t want her anyway. 😦 It makes me sad but she should have the same name as her brother and I so as not to feel like the odd one out.

Its time to move on and soon as I’m done with my trade course and my LAST reason to remain in this province is gone (My aunt who is not in the best of health is the only reason why I stay) then I will move right away from here.  Go to a better place that will give my kids and I a better life and chance at happiness.  It just hurts me to know he didn’t give a damn enough to TRY and meet his daughter… and now… it’s too late.


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Walking Scared in Halifax – Mass Valentine’s Murder averted.

News broke today that there had been plans in the making to target and kill as many people as possible at the Halifax Shopping Center on Valentine’s day. The mass murder plot was thankfully adverted when someone reported the two planning this horrific crime had access to weapons and planned on killing themselves as well.

When I am made aware of things like this I wonder.  WHAT’S going through these people’s minds when they planned this?  Were they obsessed with death or is there more to it? I learned this evening that Randall Shepherd worked at the Wal-Mart not far from the targeted mall, and not long after police apprehended a young Illinois woman who was also in on the whole thing as well as two others whose role weren’t clarified at the time.

I went to the Halifax Shopping Center this evening and spoke to some of the patrons who were browsing around. The high security presents; a welcomed sight. Many whom I spoke to voiced their concerns on the matter such as…

“That isn’t a typical Canadian thing to do. I blame that US chick… She had something to do with this.”

Another woman; with the lady who was speaking nodded and responded with “I agree, it’s just not something Canadian’s do. We don’t go around shooting people like that.”

The resounding words I heard time and time again; people seemed to agree that the young woman involved with this ordeal had something to do with it and many patrons at the HSC were not happy to know she was from the United States.

I learned the names of the two – Lindsay Kantha Souvannarath, a 23-year-old from Geneva, Ill., and Randall Steven Shepherd, 20, of Halifax had both been charged with this crime.  A 17 year old youth from Cole Harbor was also detained but then released without charges.  James Gamble the 19 year old male who is also named in this plot was found dead in his home in Timberlea on Friday just prior to his arrest.  Halifax’s SIRT are currently investigating this death.

With all of this horrifying news flying around about this mass murder plot people were on edge and rightfully so. Things like this don’t usually happen in our quaint little city, BUT recently I’ve noticed more “odd” and off the wall things have been happening over the years. More mysterious packages show up in places that make people  panic.  Bomb squads are rushed in to deal with the issues.
Chemicals are found in homes that can cause massive and great harm to those around them and again the authorities have to be called in.

It’s almost like they are being tested.
It’s getting scary and for some ungodly reason I think this city is just waiting on edge for something bigger.

With this said. What happened later this evening in the light of the averted plot  was several youth then decided to use high powered sling shots and shoot at a bus by the mall near the Mumford road terminal.  I had JUST left the mall at about 6:30 and made it to the corner  when I heard what sounded like a pop bottle being run over.  I crossed the street and made it to the bus terminal when a half dozen police cars surrounded the mall and pretty much left everyone scratching their heads wondering just what the hell was going on.  It took me about 15 mins to find out about the youngsters acting up and testing the nerves of those who were already on edge with their very immature antics.   The Halifax Shopping Mall was closed down for the rest of the evening after all of this.

I PRAY that this last incident has been a wakeup call for Halifax and they STAY on their toes. I fear if the city doesn’t the next big thing won’t have such a good outcome.



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Dating a Sociopath …

Being told I was selfish for wanting to go back to school was when I knew something was wrong. After he left… I was told “I’ll come back if you apologize for abusing me.”
I refused to fall for his manipulation and let him go.  Even though he needs to know the daughter he abandoned, this man couldn’t control me and he never will.  If you’re in a relationship like the article below describes. PLEASE try and get  out of it and move on. NO ONE needs to live in fear like that.



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Don’t be ANOTHER dead beat… She wants to know you…

An open letter to my Ex:

She’s an amazing little creature you know. So beautiful. She looks like my aunt. She has beautiful blue/green eyes and the smarts of a typical 8 year old; even though she’s 3.  You really ought to meet her.  She asks about you.  Here, have a pic of her. 🙂 there’s more in my facebook if you want them. Go look.

She's gotten so big! She's beautiful and so smart!

She’s gotten so big! She’s beautiful and so smart!

My daughters father, he’s a nice guy… (NO it’s true he really is… He’d give you the shirt off his back…) BUT he’s a bit of a whiney ass as well… and he’s going on 3 years (as of June 7th 2012)  of not seeing his daughter.

(I’m sorry I can’t call him her “Dad” because he’s not here to be one… )

No support of any kind.  it sucks….. FOR HER. I really don’t care about the financial part of it. I don’t give a flying rats ass about that; that’s not important I can take care of our daughter on my own, but it’s really sad when there’s more “deadbeat” dads out there than there are considerate ones. He sees his other daughter from his 1st marriage… He visits her lots. He even pays support to his ex for her. He does NOTHING for his youngest. It’s not fair to HER. (But then again I’ve heard he denies she’s his anyway so it doesn’t surprise me… which is REALLY sad, but not something I tell her… but she will learn when she’s older if this is true. I PRAY it isn’t.)

I asked for help, since I know my ex doesn’t work on board (he’s an under the table kinda guy) through the courts. The family courts seen his lack of participation in the last 2+ years as “Abandonment” He wasn’t and is not stopped from seeing her. (I proved this to the courts as well back in June of 2014) He has no legal recourse or say anymore due to his lack of parenting and abandonment, I now have sole custody, but I won’t stop him if he wants to see her.

our daughter

our daughter

He was asked to take a parenting course because the care around his littlest one was very overwhelming to him. I knew this and made this suggestion to HELP him. He saw it as an attack on his person. He refused when we were together and he refused to even acknowledge his daughter and I existed when I tried to contact him VIA my Family SOS worker (a parental support worker) who was with me when I e-mailed him. So I offered him supervised visits because of this refusal or lack of willingness to co-operate, and he’s still not acknowledged that he’s been contacted (I have viable proof through the courts and my own lawyer has contacted him several times AND his mom) I can’t leave her in his care if he can’t change her if she has an accident. He works nights and I don’t need him falling asleep while she’s in his care and I REFUSE to have her dumped on another woman to look after her for him. She’s HIS not some other woman’s responsibility.  I want HIM to get to know her. She NEEDS to know she’s valued by him to, but this won’t happen if he won’t co-operate or If he still feels the need to keep blaming me for his not seeing her.

When her 1st birthday came… his mom sent gifts… to my lawyers office with MY last name on the cards for our daughter who has her fathers last name… and she KNEW it.
I was very disappointed. Far as I am concern this was an intentional insult. My daughters grandmother knows better than that but still decided to be rude about the whole thing.
Thanks for the dresses “A” she loved them. I told her they were from her father, NOT you.


You know who you are… so… suck up your damn pride, stop being foolish. She wants to know you. You SHOULD know her. Get your head out of your ass… stop listening to the stories others tell you. The bullshit flows thick and you’re getting swept away in it all.
I KNOW you’re smarter than this & I know you are WAY better to. I KNOW you’re a good guy even if you have your faults, we all do no one is freaking perfect you know…

Our daughter is an amazing little girl and she asks about you all the time. I do my DAMNDEST to tell her you are around and just too busy to come see her. I EVEN have our family pic up by our bed so she can see you dammit.  She even asked on Friday evening as she looked at your picture.  “Doesn’t he like me?” Do you know how HARD it was for me to tell her through the tears .. “YES, I’m sure he does buttercup.” DO YOU!!?? I bet you don’t… it broke my heart… thinking about how selfish you are to her… that your pride is worth more than she is because you know the lies are catching up to you. Make some damn effort in your life for once instead of always blaming your problems on someone else or running to your mom.

My cell number hasn’t ever changed (even though you’ve had your friends call and prank me with some NASTY shit) it’s still there… CALL if you want to see her, I don’t need her thinking half of her is “Wrong or bad” because you refuse to acknowledge that she exists.
She is damn perfect and it’s too bad you can’t see that because you have this idea that I’m going to sit here and belittle you… you do that well enough to yourself ALL ON YOUR OWN! You sure the hell don’t need my help.

This is your LAST chance… after this blog message… I won’t bother to reach out again.
YES my lawyer will be made aware. This IS recorded after all. So do yourself a favor…
(You have till the end of February)

Heed my words (and your ex’s for that matter) that you’ve heard time and time again…



PS: To those who read this… I will update to say if he actually contacted us or not… (He’s on my mailing list in here so I KNOW he will see it) Please refrain from slamming him.
Yes he’s being a “dead beat” but I’m trying to give him a chance to rectify this. He’s not a bad guy… just… lacking the will to do the right thing.

Below is the poem I wrote for our daughter based on her viewpoint after she pointed to someone on the bus and said “Daddy”… He looked SO much like her father so she remembers his face, be it from her pictures or memory. At least I TRY to make sure she knows who he is! She smiled but then frowned when this man smiled back and said “No Honey I’m not your daddy.” It broke my heart cause then she cried and crawled into my lap and hid her face.

You should have been there. – a poem from the point of a child.

September 15, 2012 at 11:18pm

You left one day back in June without out so much as a good-bye.
You passed on judgement of my mom and hurt her with your lies.
I was only ten months old and had just learned to walk.
I’d be saying how much you hurt me if only I could talk.

The stories you tell people to make yourself look so big,
are only one more splinter in my soul and deeper they dig.
You will regret your actions, the lies that had been told,
for there will never again be a day my heart you will hold.

I’m only little and growing fast, my learning new and the world so vast.
Soon the questions will come out “Why isn’t daddy here?” is what I’ll ask.
Mommy will hold me and tell me that Daddy loved me but chose to go away.
I will wonder for years to come, how come Mommy couldn’t make him stay?

In time I will learn from friends and family the awful truth that I was sheltered from.
That my dad didn’t want me and he ran away from my brother, me and my mom.
I will learn the stories he told to hurt my mom’s heart because he was so mad.
But what will be the worse thing is that he never took the time to really be my dad.

So as I grow I will guided to be the best I can be, you’re missing out on special days.
Milestones that I have mastered. I will conquer my world and learn new ways,
to look at life because I have a mom who truly loves me and really cared.
Too bad you didn’t daddy… You know; you really should have been there!

Written by: S. White Sept 2012.

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An adult version of ELF on the shelf because of the hate I have for the original

Yes. I will admit it. I think it’s a HORRIBLE. A “spy” sort to speak, brought into your home to tattle on your kids to “Santa” If they aren’t a “Good boy/girl” I thought this stuff about telling kids they are “Bad” was removed from our vocabulary, as telling a child they are bad can destroy their self esteem and make them think there’s something wrong with them. So why the HELL is this stupid creepy toy any different?

Don’t get me wrong. If you as a parent choose to do this, so be it. My opinion is it’s a conceptually scary item to have in your home instilling fear into a child about EVERYTHING they do. A parent should parent to get their kids to behave, not use some toy to report to a factitious man so they can get their children to comply.

Day 1 – Hi , I’m Spankme. I’m the ADULT version of “Elf on the Shelf” and I’m mischievous. Enjoy the naughty fun I get into!

I do NOT do “Santa” with my kids. NEVER did, never will.
WHY should I?

I’ve been told for the “Spirit” of Christmas…. My response is, SHOW me one store that actually portrays the “Spirit” of Christmas over the commercialism and I will gladly say “You found one, now make them all like this.”

I’ve been called greedy, selfish and worse still a “Bad parent” (Oh whoa is me… I shudder at the “bad parent” comment…)

My response is…

Santa can create GREEDY kids. Ones who believe that ANYTHING they want will come to them if they wish hard enough.
I’ve even watched a child call Santa a “Fat fuck” because they got a Gameboy instead of another hand held gaming system, They then threw it and broke it, 6 mins after opening the package.

Santa creates heartbreak. Kids have enough to deal with in life, why the hell build up their hopes only to dash them down when they don’t get that one MAJOR item they want.  I watched another child  who was five at the time, cry his eyes out for HOURS after not getting the one item he so desperately wanted. (A sibling) for Christmas. To this day (He’s only 7) he HATES Santa for letting him down. He still doesn’t have a sibling either.  Every time he sees Santa at the mall he tells his mom he wants to go home. He then refuses to go back to the mall with anyone till after the holidays.

So to have this elf doll in my home to make reports isn’t an option. I tell my kids who the REAL Santa is… ME. I ask them what they want for Christmas.

1 they want
1 they need.
1 to wear
1 to read

I get more respect from my children as a parent working to give them a holiday wish.
For not lying to them and for setting behavior goals with proper parenting over
manipulation via fake magic.

PS: Due to the dislike I have towards Elf on the Shelf (MANY of my friends included)
I made my OWN ADULT version.
NSFW!!! I named her Spankme.  She is Naughty. A fun Hohoho! And well will do all
kinds of mischievous things this year for a laugh.
To those who dislike this concept… it’s for me only. For a picture grab only and for laughs only and to make fun of that creepy elf.


Day 2 – Spankme comes in like a wreaking ball. wearing a nice pair of glitzy panties 😉

So here’s to the parents who do Elf on the Shelf… kids are scared of that one…
here’s to the ones who don’t like this one… I hope she scares you!

Happy Holidays from one nutty blogger with a sick and funny twisted sense of humor.


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Catie Miller – A sad ending to a beautiful life

Catherine ‘Catie’ Miller, a vibrant young woman who just finished at NSCC as an electrician, went missing on July 15th 2014. A report from her parents went in on July 21st, 2014.

A search ensued for five agonizing months.  Both her parents John and Terry scoured the city and papered it with missing posters of their beautiful daughter. They were hoping that someone would come forward in helping them find the young mother who’s three year old son was missing her.

Catherine Miller. Missing Since July 15th 2014

Missing posters that 1st started to show days after the report went into police.


Her parents had hoped that she would show for an important court meeting on July 28th 2014, almost two weeks  into her disappearance which involved her son. Sadly this date came and passed without so much as a word; much her parents devastation.

On August 12th, 2014 police obtained Catie’s cell phone after it was turned over to police. It had been found at the Dartmouth Sports Plex a week prior.  On August 24th, 2014 Catie’s parents released a video to YouTube to plead for their daughters return.

They knew; frustrations of not being able to find a job; Catie had been suffering with bouts of depression and pleaded to their daughter if she saw the video.

“If there’s any problem you’ve encountered, we will take care of that for you. Don’t worry about that,” Her mother said, trying her hardest to not break down on camera. “We love you unconditionally, so please remember that and just come back to us.”

One of the several vigils that were held for Catherine.

Loved ones light a candle and say prayers for Catherine’s safe return.


The police never suspected foul play in her disappearance.

Personally for me, (My opinion) concerns in a woman who kept to a normal routine should have sent up flags to the local detachment. It obviously did for her parents who had posters plastered worldwide in a few months.

EDIT: Recently information has been brought forth that wasn’t released to main stream media during the investigation but we’re learning that much of this information was withheld from those involved, as police suspected that the case was a homicide from the beginning. *As quoted in the Halifax Metro* Nov/26/2014 which I think it s crying shame.

Missing posters

Posters were posted WORLD WIDE in a matter of months. Updates were made frequently in the “Find Catie Miller” Facebook page.

I even posted several hundred of these posters myself in my local area. I felt so bad for
her family. I had a heavy feeling this wasn’t going to end well. I’m very heartbroken to be
right in this instance. I will light a candle in my home in memory of this wonderful lady.

Sadly, Saturday evening of November 22nd at a Charlotte Lane address; Twenty-nine year old Jason James Johnson was arrested in the disappearance and homicide of Catie as well as indecently interfering with a dead human body. Her remains have yet to be found.

Mr. Johnson has no fixed address and is well known to police and has several prior arrests and charges including being on probation. He’s scheduled to appear in a Dartmouth court this morning (Monday November 24th, 2014)

Several times in the past to contact both Catie’s parents through their “Find Catie Miller” Facebook page. I assume that because I am not mainstream media they never returned my inquiries. It is understandable though, considering all the stresses they were already dealing with at that time.  My condolences goes out to Terri and John on their loss of their daughter.  My heart and prayers go out to her adorable son. I know he is missing his mamma terribly.

It’s always such a tragedy when a child/family loses a loved one at the hands of a thoughtless person. Those who tend to display no morals or remorse over taking a loved one from their family.

EDIT: (Nov 26th/2014) Two new charges have been laid in Catie’s homicide against a 30 year old man from Port Dufferin and a 30 year old woman possibly from Doherty Drive in Lawrence town.  According to local police, four scenes are now being held while police investigate. No further information will be released while this investigation is on going.

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